The Pig Monster on the Palisades: not a done deal

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A New York Times writer named Michael Kimmelman suggested in a recent article that LG Electronics  “will turn off countless customers by despoiling a cherished landmark” by building above the tree line on the Jersey side of the Palisades (April 9, The New York Times). 

As I read that, I thought, finally, someone is thinking about boycotting LG Electronics over this issue. Then I found out that our local political leaders had started talking about a boycott in February. This is great, I thought.  Hit them in the only place they seem to care about — their wallets. 

New York State’s Attorney General is fighting the construction of the building in New Jersey’s courts. So are many of our local politicians, from Councilman Andrew Cohen and Rep. Eliot Engel to state Sen. Jeff Klein, state Sen. Adriano Espaillat and Assemblyman Jeffrey Dinowitz, to their credit. They have filed legal papers, too. Thank you all, gentlemen. 

I hope their efforts work. But if they don’t, all is not lost. Here are some new ideas for fighting the Pig Monster of the Palisades: 

Send drones to find the top executives of LG. Once located, direct the drones to drop thousands of water balloons on their heads. Daily.

Smuggle skunks into LG headquarters in South Korea. Set them up in the air conditioning vents with a six-month food supply.

Create an army of people to find LG employees anywhere in America. These recruits would run up to the LG people, hug them tightly and shout, “I love LG products!  But your plan for the Palisades sucks eggs!”

Hack into LG’s internal computer network with a special message from Elvis Presley which would go like this: “We’re caught in a trap… Why can’t you see, What you’re doin’ to me… We can’t go on together, with suspicious minds. And we can’t build our dreams on suspicious minds.” Then the hack would play several hours of Elvis movies, from “Viva Las Vegas” to “Paradise Hawaiian Style.”  

Put up a huge electronic billboard on the New York side of the Hudson, directly across the river from LG’s planned headquarters. Each day the sign could provide Englewood Cliffs and its mayor a new message. Here are some examples:

You are invited to our house for a steak dinner. And a lecture on not building above the tree line.

LG/Englewood Cliffs, why are you torturing us?

Don’t be a shmuck.

Tell the CEO of LG that if he wants to build his structure above the tree line, he must go on “Dancing With The Stars” every season for the next 10 years.

Finally, if none of these things work, write a letter to the National Rifle Association that LG Electronics is anti-gun and that the company’s new building on the Palisades will house employees who will devote a portion of LG profits to fighting for gun control. 

Mike Gold lives and works in the Bronx. Point of view is a column open to all.

LG, Palisades, Mike Gold

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