Following Trump’s example

Donald Trump is in the wrong business. He shouldn’t be a real estate mogul or a politician. He should be a motivational speaker.

Mr. Trump has certainly inspired me to follow his example. Here are many of the things I want to do in imitation of Mr. Trump:

• Insult the Statue of Liberty. Look at those awful clothes! Robes are so 19th century. I can’t even see most of her body. She doesn’t smile. What is wrong with her? I would say she gets a negative two out of 10 on my beauty rating scale. Also, what’s with that poem inside her pedestal, saying, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…”? 

That’s complete horse hockey! We don’t want immigrants in America. They work too hard, setting a bad example for the rest of us. They don’t talk American, which is the language Sarah Palin invented for us to speak.

• Throw rocks at Carly Fiorina’s face on TV. Look at her. She’s 61 years old (and let me add, Hillary is going to be 68 – ancient for a woman!). She has wrinkles, for God’s sake. Her neck muscles are going slack. I want to make it harder for her to get the Republican nomination by throwing rocks at my television. So what if I destroy my TV screen? I’m helping the country.

• Build a giant dome over Mexico. Forget a wall. We need to go big here. The country is just no good. Keep those evil Mexicans inside the Mexico Dome (has a nice ring, right?), and all our problems will be solved.

• Curse nature. I mean, nature is nice, but what can you do with it? Nothing. It doesn’t generate any cash value. Let’s put a hotel on all of it, with a luxury spa and casino and lots of golf courses, and flood the grass with fertilizers and pesticides. 

• Stick my tongue out at the Thomas Jefferson Memorial. Nobody is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, except a few select white people.

• Buy a monster truck because burning more oil will make us all richer. And I am going to make Iran pay for my truck. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I figure if I just say the words, it will magically happen.  

• Yell at Bulgaria. They’ve done nothing to me, but they’re a small country that no one ever thinks about, ever, so why not?

Thank you, Mr. Trump, for helping make me great again, just like you’re going to help America.

Mike Gold lives and works in the Bronx.