Maurice Varon, 96, beloved Riverdale dentist, humorist

Maurice Varon, who practiced dentistry in Riverdale for more than 30 years, died June 7, 2023 in Seattle. He was 96.

He grew up in Brooklyn, attended New Utrecht High School, Brooklyn College, and got his dental degree from Buffalo University.

After stints as a U.S. Air Force dentist in San Antonio, Japan and France, Varon settled in Riverdale with wife Zipporah.

He loved treating children and teaching them how to brush their teeth. His dental office had a waiting room with low tables and chairs, where children could draw pictures, and a large bulletin board where the pictures were displayed.

Patients could choose music from a collection of records to accompany their treatment.

He loved having patients from all over the world — at one time a third of his patients were Japanese.

His kindness, wit, and skill at explaining dental procedures endeared him to his patients, and many traveled long distances to see him after leaving the neighborhood.

He retired in 1993.

He had an extraordinary ear for languages and accents, impeccable timing, and a comic sensibility all his own. He was the fastest punster in the world — especially loved making bilingual puns — and was known for his huge repertoire of jokes and comic stories, which he told frequently.

He and Zipporah lived for more than 60 years at the Briar Oaks apartment building on Henry Hudson Parkway. He wrote a humor column for the Briar Oaks newsletter, called “Maurice’s Dictionary” and included entries like these:

Scentimeter: A device for measuring aromas.

Vulture Capitalist: An entrepreneur who has a talon for seizing an opportunity.

Robotomy: A drastic cut in the number of automatons at a factory.

Thief Executive: The chief executive who decides that honesty may not be the best policy.

The Bottom Lie: The quarterly profits figure in the report to shareholders.

Chants of Snow: A weather forecast presented by a choral singing group.

Doctrepreneur: A physician who takes his patients, seriously.

Hallelucination: A praiseworthy delusion.

Wing-Wing Situation: Congressional legislation co-sponsored by right-wing Republicans and left-wing Democrats.

The couple spent much of their retirement with their grandchildren Rebecca and Laura in Seattle, and Jonah and Jeremy in San Francisco. He relished his role walking his grandchildren to school, telling them jokes and stories, and sharing his wisdom. And he continued writing short comic items, including this report on an appointment following cataract surgery:

“The eye surgeon came in, removed my eye bandage, and gazed satisfyingly at the results of his handiwork. He gave us a little, blue zippered kit, which contained two little dispensers of ophthalmic solution, instructions, a spare eye shield and tape, and dark glasses and a tin cup, in case the treatment failed.”

He will be missed by many, including Zipporah, his children Janet (Eddie Muñoz), Charlie (Myra Levy), and his grandchildren Becca Varon (Sam Blau), Jonah Varon (Antonia Acquistapace), Laura Muñoz and Jeremy Varon.

Rosebud Funeral Homes in Seattle handled Varon’s arrangements.