Domestic violence deserves our attention all year

Every October, the United States recognizes National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. While the month of October is now behind us, the time to recognize the often quiet pervasiveness of domestic violence is far from over.

Domestic violence isn’t easy to fit into a box. It doesn’t always adhere to the definitions or expectations many of us have come to develop over time. It isn’t limited to a certain kind of relationship, a certain gendered dynamic or a certain type of domestic situation. Sometimes, it manifests in ways that are nearly invisible to outside observers.

There are certain scenes or scenarios one may come to expect when thinking of domestic violence. After all, movies and television shows often depict screaming matches heard through apartment walls by neighbors, or women hastily covering up the suspicious bruises encircling their arms. These more visible, sometimes explosive manifestations of domestic violence do happen, but it is important to be aware of violence’s other forms.

At the core of domestic violence is a power imbalance. Some way in which an individual is taking advantage of the vulnerabilities of someone with whom they share some kind of intimate relationship. This could mean financial control, emotional manipulation or physical and mental forms of abuse. In public, a family, roommate or romantic dynamic may seem completely “normal.” Unassuming. Even loving.

But things can change behind closed doors.

Such situations, while inhospitable and unsustainable, can be difficult for victims to leave. Perpetrators of domestic violence often find ways to promote dependence on the part of victims. This can be financial dependence, emotional dependence or other dynamics that make it hard for someone to break away from a harmful situation.

For these reasons and more, judgement of victims is never helpful in a situation where domestic violence is suspected. Admonishing victims for failing to leave their partner or harmful domestic situation, or questioning why they might take time to come forward and ask for help, does more harm than good in such situations. Criticism and accusations are not productive. Instead, it is important to lend an open ear, and provide a soft spot for victims to land.

There is a commonly expressed idea that victims of domestic violence stay in their situations because “they think they deserve it.” While this may be true in some instances, this claim tends to oversimplify what is often a very complex situation. While an outside observer may struggle to understand why someone would remain in a household with their abuser, it is important to remember that the abuser is often someone the victim has a close relationship with. Someone they love or rely on in some capacity.

Sometimes, letting someone know they have a person they can confide in and rely on when their situation at home is fraught can make a larger difference than one might expect. When domestic abuse is suspected, the main priority should be keeping the victim safe, believing them and truly listening to them.

If you or someone you know is experiencing or suspects domestic abuse, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).